Vessel
by fromthehillbythelake
Summary: Katie wonders if falling in love is worth it when she and Jake perhaps aren't meant to be together. Post Vegas reunion. JATIE ONESHOT.


**Hello readers! Well, I felt inspired by Jatie feels, and wanted to write a little fic :)**  
**  
As per usual, this is angst!filled, lol. I just wanted to write their "finding their way back to each other after Vegas" story. It's not really following any certain timeline. **

**I really relate to Katie as a character, and I think she's getting some unfair treatment from the fandom. I just wanted to shed light on her side of things. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this. Love you all, and as always, thanks for reading.**

**I don't own.**

* * *

-x-

She sits on the floor of her bathroom, her fingers gripping the cool porcelain of her toilet.

Her sister would've yanked her hair back a year ago, but Katie Matlin isn't throwing up. She's crying.

"Katie?" Maya asks, her voice shaking with worry. She kneels down beside her older sister and places a hand on her shoulder.

Katie lets out a couple of pathetic sobs, unable to answer. She presses her face harder on the seat, willing her face to cool.

"I'm sorry," she chokes. Maya moves to hold back her hair. "Please don't tell mom and dad," she begs, and Maya holds her breath, like she isn't sure she should listen.

"I'm so stupid," Katie whispers, and closes her eyes. "I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me."

...

* * *

-x-

Katie tells her sister everything. She knows she shouldn't; she needs to be an example, not a burden.

They figure that if Katie sells some of her stuff on eBay and Craigslist, she can at least get half of her money back. Her parents won't have to know.

She sends off at least ten resumes that night. She can't believe she didn't have a job before now. Did she think she was going to get everything she wanted based on her smarts alone?

_Yes_.

She can't tell Maya about Facerange guy, though.

She's disgusting. Who thinks that sleeping with a rich man for tuition money is empowering or respectable?

_She did_.

For a moment, anyway. It was her body, couldn't she have "no-strings" sex without regret or consequences?

_Maybe_, if she was someone else.

...

* * *

-x-

She gets some calls back. She goes for some interviews. She now has two jobs. The stress is eating her alive.

She smiles.

...

* * *

-x-

Her mom asks her what's wrong.

_Nothing_, she snaps, and walks out the door.

...

* * *

-x-

She's balancing school and work and Marisol – she loves the girl, but her brown-eyed friend doesn't understand.

She knows Marisol wants this year to be perfect – they've got what…3 and a bit months left? How can she blame her? They're seniors, the school is theirs. It was _supposed_ to be hers.

Mar asks what she can do, is her shoulder to lean on. Katie refuses, smiling and insisting everything's under control. Marisol stops asking.

She misses Clare, and by extension, misses _him_.

He'd know something was wrong with her.

...

* * *

-x-

She holds the keychain, listening to her "Sad" playlist. Pathetic. It's killing her, being cooped up and mourning over her losses. But she can't help it; it's like she likes torturing herself.

_Depressed_? she thinks. _No_, focused.

She goes for a run.

...

* * *

-x-

Her parents notice her eating habits – or lack of. Maya looks at her guiltily as they lecture her across the table.

"I'm just stressed," she bites out.

"You're out all the time," her dad says softly. "I checked, Katie. There is no study group at Degrassi in the evenings. Where have you been going?"

"Nowhere," she smiles. It's cruel, her lips curling over her teeth, and it doesn't match her face.

"Katie," her mom tries, "we're worried about you."

"I'm fine," Katie practically growls. Her sister shuffles her feet.

"Katie's been working two jobs," Maya breathes, and Katie slams her fist on the table.

"Shut up, Maya!"

Her parents look at her, broken-heartedly.

"Katie-" she hears, "why would you do that to yourself? If you need extra money, all you have to do is ask-"

"-we're your parents, it's our responsibility-"

She starts to cry, and feels the pain swell in her throat when she tries to stop.

"I just didn't want to burden you," she admits, and fiddles with her nails.

Her mom and dad lean over to hug and kiss her, and Katie has to swallow over the huge lump in her throat. Maya runs her hair through Katie's ponytail, and in an instant, the older girl wants her sister to turn her in. The poor girl shouldn't have to keep her secret for her.

...

* * *

-x-

If she works full-time over the summer, Katie discovers she'll make about $8,000. _Goodbye social life,_ she smirks. Oh well, she's got the weekends and the evenings.

That's more than a year's tuition at universities in Toronto.

But she wants to go to Carleton now that Stanford's out, and even with Scholarship money, that won't cover half if she's living in Res.

She'll still be stuck in a rut in March, April, and May, unable to do full-time because of school.

Ryerson U it is, she decides, and doesn't take any time to grieve.

...

* * *

-x-

She sees Jake across the hall, and debates going over to talk to him.

It's been weeks, and she's buried the fact that she misses him so deeply in her chest that seeing him is like ripping open a wound.

"Hi," she'll say, and he'll respond out of politeness – not the ache from missing her too. She'll apologize for her behaviour, he'll crack a whim, and they'll start talking again, albeit carefully. He'll call her out on her bullshit, and she'll get furious and cuss him out. He'll apologize and she'll keep him grounded. They'll kiss and fall back in love and she'll get too comfortable. He'll propose sooner or later, but always too soon for her and she'll have to refuse. She'll have dreams of her own that will justify her decision, and he'll have to leave her because he can't understand why she can't accept his love. He'll tell her that she could've had everything – herself and her dreams with him, when they meet sometime in the future. She'll have realized it long ago, and will have to live knowing that she was too proud for anyone so humble. _He's too simple,_ she'll remind herself when he plagues her thoughts, _his ambitions are too small_. And he won't have to say it, no matter when they meet, because she'll know it was her that ruined everything – all because she'll go through life believing that love is weakness, especially from a local boy.

She's gone over it many times in her head.

It's stopped her so many times from going over, and today is no different.

...

* * *

-x-

He clears his throat roughly behind her.

"We need to list the members of ACT for Simpson," he says, his voice low. "For the garden next year."

"Sure," she replies. They're the President and Vice-President of the student group, _Activists for a Cleaner Tomorrow_ – her idea – and weekly meetings have been terribly awkward. So far, they've switched shifts. If he's going, she won't, and vice versa – his idea.

"We should go together this week," he offers, rubbing his hand over his neck. "If anyone has any questions, it'll prevent inconsistencies if we both answer."

She nods her head, but admittedly, hasn't heard a thing. All she can focus on is the tightness in his jaw and the crinkle of his brow. He's worried about something – but she remembers she doesn't have the right to comfort him anymore.

"Jake," she trembles, and his eyes harden.

"See you on Monday then," he manages, and walks out the door.

She humiliated and angry, and decides that she's going to talk over him for most of the upcoming meeting.

...

* * *

-x-

He snarks, and she responds in kind, forgetting how much she hates (misses) their banter. They're cleaning up the room after the ACT meeting, pieces of cake still lingering after the party. They announced the new leaders for next year, those that would be taking over their positions.

She giggles as he takes a bite, unaware of the icing still lining his lips. His face is serious as she walks over and lifts her hand to wipe her finger across his mouth, too curious to stop. She doesn't even think about it – he has that affect on her, it seems.

He flinches and narrows his eyes, and she jumps as if she's been burned. They look at each other for a moment, and she scoffs, hurt and embarrassed.

She turns away to put the cake in the compost, refusing to let any tears fall in front of him. He moves behind her, and she stiffens in turn.

"I can't do this," he gets out. She freezes.

They were doing so well – or as well as any exes could be doing – and she had to ruin it.

"That's fine," she answers coldly, "I'll finish up. You likely wanna take the rest of the year off to smoke, so don't even bother coming to any other meetings. I'll take care of everything-"

And she has to stop as he violently jerks her around.

"No," he rasps, "I can't do _this_ anymore."

She can't speak; desperate for him to go, to stay, to put her out of her misery.

He leans down to kiss her, the anticipation burning so hot between them it's as though the air could catch fire.

And when his lips touch hers, it does.

...

* * *

-x-

He's so tender that she forgets – her name, her crippling fears, her pain.

He tells her he can't lose her – _stupid boy_, doesn't he know you're already lost?

She asks about his mom; she killed herself, and he admits he hasn't talked about it in five years. She fights the urge to tell him about her sadness – he shouldn't have to know she's thought about it. Not killing herself per se, just not wanting to live with the crumbling pressure of needing to change such a terrible, corrupt world.

He apologizes for Vegas, saying that he shouldn't have acted the way that he did.

"_I went a little crazy," he laughs, "we'd only been dating for two months, and I couldn't tell you how much you meant to me already. I shouldn't have made it seem like you had to choose between Stanford and me…"_

She squeezes the keychain in her pocket before she decides to be honest with him.

She isn't going to Stanford anymore, she confesses, though he can't expect her not to aspire to her dreams. She still wants to go to Ottawa and get involved in Politics, still wants to travel, and maybe someday, wants to become Prime Minister.

She doesn't look at him, too vulnerable after revealing her deepest desire. She knows it's foolish and devastating to organize your life hoping for such things, but she has to make him understand.

She asks for his forgiveness for the way she acted in Vegas too, wanting him to know why she got so caught up in what she wanted, that she forgot how the real world actually works.

Nothing was keeping her here, besides her sister and friends of course, but she never intended on him. She never expected to fall so completely and devastatingly that she assumed he would always be there no matter how she treated him.

He looks at her, feeling a familiar wave of pain swimming in his chest. His mom spoke like this before she took her life, and Jake reaches for her hand, his voice hoarse.

"I can't lose you," he breathes, almost like her life is in his hands. He loves her, and can't stop the tear that rolls down his cheek when he thinks she might end up like his mom. He can't go through that again.

"I've always tried to be strong," Katie goes on, "but I've been my weakest in front of you, and I'm sorry." She's wrong he thinks – she's lovely and funny and brilliant and beautiful and so _alive_, too.

"I'm too broken for you," she admits, and he wants to scream. He's seen her at her lowest, her dirtiest, and he's still here. He's a heap of wasted potential, and still she stands by him.

They both want to use the word love, but don't. It's said too soon and too often, and doesn't mean a thing to a cynic and a runaway.

"Katie," he says, "I can't promise you that we won't end up hating each other. And I know you don't want to hear that. I know that you worry about everything, and that telling you not to worry only makes you hide even deeper within yourself. I know that you feel highs so high that you leave the rest of us behind on earth, and I know that you have lows so low that you want to die. I know that when you clench your jaw, you're about to murder someone. I know that when you bite your lips, you're horny beyond belief-" she has to smile, and Jake continues.

"I know you think you're selfish and unworthy of love, but I have never met a woman who's more passionate or empathetic. You make people want to be better…you make me want to be better. And I know you're scared of things that are completely beyond your control, though you'll never admit it-" she breathes heavily as sobs wrack her body.

"I know we're young, but I'm here. And I always want to be."

She wants to laugh, knowing that he couldn't destroy her so terribly if she didn't love him. He reminds her that silliness is part of it too, though.

"I thought I was supposed to be the one who's good with words," she smiles, and takes his face in her hands.

...

* * *

-x-

"I thought you said you didn't feel pain," he breathes, his tone teasing, as he kisses the tears on her cheeks.

...

* * *

-x-

She's the kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry.

They still fight; Katie with her scathing remarks and him with his silence, but nothing makes his hands shake like when he was without her.

Her lips soothe the slightest tremour in his bones, and his skin aches for her caress.

He feels selfish for falling so in love with her, but she keeps him selfless too – _I'm not the only thing you need to care about, _she smiles, pulling at his belt.

Sometimes she's so sad, her knuckles white like she's gripping on for dear life. She panics that she won't succeed at anything, worries she's making all the wrong choices, anxious that everyone is constructing their own demise. Against all reason, all words, all love...she hides in bed, tired and broken.

She tells him to leave, and he's reminded that she told him it would be like this.

But his "please don't go," that he used to beg his mother, becomes his "please come back," with her.

And so she does.

The hours in between get easier each time.

...

* * *

**I hope this was alright :) Lemme know lovelies! **


End file.
